..TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN..

I'M THE TYPE OF PERSON THAT FEELS BETTER WHEN I TALK ABOUT STUFF SO THIS IS FOR YOU,MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY,THAT HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME THROUGH THE TOUGHEST TIMES OF MY LIFE..THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES IT FEELS LIKE AND I WANT ALL OF YOU TO KNOW ABOUT IT..

IT ISN'T HARD FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT BUT IT IS HARD FOR ME TO COPE WITH ON SO MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS  JUST BECAUSE THIS IS ALL WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT FOR THE PAST 5 MONTHS IS HAVING A BABY..


MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T HAVE SHOT OFF THE MOMENT I TESTED POSITIVE FOR A BABY BUT IF YOU KNOW ME I CAN'T KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT ABOUT ANYTHING..THE PAST 2 MONTHS HAVE BEEN PRETTY OVERWHELMING FROM FINDING OUT THAT WE WERE PREGNANT AND MIGHT BE HAVING TWINS..

BUT JUST TO GET IT OUT OF THE WAY..RAY AND I ARE NOT PREGNANT..

LAST WEEK WE WENT TO OUR 2ND APPOINTMENT WHERE THEY FOLLOWED ME UP ON MY BLOOD WORK(WHICH TURNED OUT FINE OTHER THAN I HAVE A RARE BLOOD TYPE) O NEGATIVE..THEY ALSO DID A PAP WHERE THEY CHECKED MY CERVIX AND STD'S(WHICH I'M CLEAR OF COURSE)..MY CERVIX WAS COMPLETELY CLOSED..THEY ALSO DID A ROUND ON MY UTERUS WHERE MY DOCTOR THOUGHT THAT WE MIGHT BE PREGNANT WITH TWINS BECAUSE OF THE LARGENESS OF MY UTERUS AND THE FACT THAT RAY AND I BOTH HAVE TWINS IN OUR FAMILIES..SHE ALSO SCHEDULED ME A VAGINAL ULTRASOUND FOR THE 18TH OF THIS MONTH TO CONFIRM THE TWINS AND FOR MY 1ST TRIMESTER ULTRASOUND..

YESTERDAY WE  WENT TO SUMMERSVILLE HOSPITAL TO GET THE ULTRASOUND DONE..OUR APPOINTMENT WAS AT 3:30..DURING THE ULTRASOUND I ASKED FOR RAY AND LINDA TO BE IN THE ROOM WITH ME..WHILE SHE WAS GOING THROUGH HER NORMAL ROUTINE OF THE ULTRASOUND SHE WAS ASKING ME IF I HAD GOT ALL MY LAB TESTS BACK FROM MY PRENATAL VISITS(WHICH I WAS PRETTY SURE EVERYTHING HAD A CAME BACK)..SHE FINISHES UP WITH EVERYTHING AND TELLS ME TO GO AHEAD AND GET DRESSED AND SHE WILL BE RIGHT BACK..SO I DID SO..ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER SHE COMES BACK IN WITH THE PHONE AND SAYS THAT DR.SAYER(MY OBGYN)WAS ON THE PHONE AND WANTED TO SPEAK WITH ME..I KNEW THEN SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT CONSIDERING WE HADN'T EVEN SEEN ANY PICTURES OF THE BABY(S) ON THE ULTRASOUND SCREEN BUT SEEING THAT I HAD NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE PROCEDURES WERE ANYWAY SO NEVER THOUGHT ANYTHING ABOUT IT..AS I STARTED TALKING TO THE DOCTOR I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG BY THAT TONE IN HER VOICE(YOU KNOW THAT TONE THAT SOMEONE HAS WHEN SOMEONE HAS PASSED AWAY AND THEY JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT IT INTO WORDS)..WE TALKED FOR A FEW SECONDS AND THEN STARTED EXPLAINING TO ME THAT MY RESULTS FROM THE ULTRASOUND WEREN'T GOOD AND THAT THE BABY DIDN'T DEVELOP..OF COURSE I AM IN SHOCK AND HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY..IT WAS ALSO AWKWARD BECAUSE I HAD RAY AND HIS MOM IN THE ROOM WITH ME WHILE I WAS GETTING THIS DISAPPOINTING NEWS(KNOWING IN THE BACK OF MY MIND THAT I HAD TO TELL THEM AFTER THE PHONE CONVERSATION WAS OVER)..SHE ASKED ME IF I WAS FREE ON WEDNESDAY(TODAY)AND IF I WANTED TO COME IN SO WE COULD TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED AND ANY QUESTIONS THAT I HAD..SO I MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR 2:00..AFTER I GOT OFF THE PHONE I WAS IN SHOCK FROM HEAD TO TOE BECAUSE OF NUMEROUS REASONS FROM EVERYTHING LOOKED FINE AT ALL MY OTHER CHECK-UPS AND LAST WEEK SHE THOUGHT THAT I WAS PREGNANT WITH TWINS..NOW THERE WAS NOTHING..AFTER I KEPT RAY AND LINDA WAITING IN LINE ON WHAT WAS GOING ON I TOLD THEM..I SWEAR I WOULD HAVE COMPLETELY LOST MYSELF IN THAT ROOM IF IT WEREN'T FOR RAY AND LINDA..I BELIEVE WE WERE ALL IN SHOCK..WHEN WE WERE WALKING OUT OF THE ULTRASOUND ROOM THEY TOLD ME THAT IF THE DOCTOR NEEDED ANYTHING FROM THEM THEN TO CALL AND THEY WOULD SEND IT RIGHT AWAY..THE CAR RIDE HOME WAS NOTHING BUT SNIFFLING,CRYING AND WONDERING WHAT WE HAD DONE WRONG OR WENT WRONG..LINDA WAS REALLY GREAT AT TALKING ME DOWN AND KEEPING MY HEAD ON STRAIGHT..WHEN WE GOT HOME RAY AND I COMPLETELY LOST OURSELVES IN ONE ANOTHER AND CRIED FOR A BIT THEN WE WERE READY FOR SOME ANSWERS..

THIS MORNING I WOKE UP WITH THE MOST EMPTIEST FEELING IN THE WORLD AND RAY ALSO FELT THE SAME BUT I DO BELIEVE WE HAVE HELD UP BETTER THAN SOME WOULD IN THIS SITUATION..

WE WENT TO THE APPOINTMENT AND I WAS PRETTY ANXIOUS ON GETTING EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED AND WHY IT HAPPENED..

WHEN WE GOT PREGNANT THE SACK FORMED BUT THE BABY NEVER DID..SO "TECHNICALLY" THERE WAS NEVER A BABY..JUST A SACK..WHICH ITS HARD FOR ME TO BELIEVE BECAUSE RAY AND I BOTH LOVED THAT LITTLE INNOCENT BABY  TO DEATH(HOW DO YOU LOVE SOMETHING THAT ISN'T THERE)..??..DR.SAYER ALSO SAID THAT SHE HAS HAD 3 MORE CASES THIS WEEK THAT WAS EXACTLY LIKE MINE..SO THIS IS COMMON..I ASKED HER IF IT WAS A "MISCARRIAGE" AND SHE SAID YES..SHE ALSO CALLED IT A BIOLOGICAL ABORTION MEANING IT WAS MY BODY THAT GOT RID OF IT BECAUSE SOMETHING WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN RIGHT ANYWAY..SO I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I MISCARRIED BUT I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY YET BECAUSE I HAVE YET TO PASS ANYTHING..THATS WHERE I'M GOING NOW..SHE GAVE ME 3 OPTIONS ON PASSING THE TISSUE THAT MY BODY NEEDS TO GET RID OF..1..IS NATURALLY..SHE SAID I SHOULD GIVE MY BODY 2 WEEKS TO PASS EVERYTHING AND THIS WILL CONSIST OF BLEEDING OF COURSE AND MILD TO MODERATE CRAMPS..2..PILLS THAT WILL HELP MY BODY PASS IT FASTER..3..DNC..WHICH MIGHT SCARE MY CERVIX..I DECIDED TO GO FOR IT NATURALLY FIRST..YOUR BODY IS SMART AND KNOWS WHAT TO DO AND WHEN TO DO IT..AS OF NOW(SHE CHECKED MY CERVIX TODAY)I AM STILL COMPLETELY CLOSED SO SHE TOLD ME GIVE IT ABOUT 2 WEEKS..IF THAT DOESN'T WORK I AM GOING TO TRY THE PILLS NEXT AND THEN THE DNC BUT I WILL KEEP YOU GUYS POSTED ON THAT..I ASKED HER IF THERE WAS "NO BABY" THEN WHY WAS MY UTERUS GROWING AT A RAPID RATE AND SHE SAID THAT YOUR UTERUS GROWS EVEN IF THERE IS NOTHING IN THERE BUT GROWS LIKE THERE IS..ALSO SINCE I DO HAVE THE RARE BLOOD TYPE SHE WANTS ME TO COME IN AND GET A REGIMEN SHOT AFTER I PASS THE CLOT THAT WAY IF RAY AND I DO GET PREGNANT AGAIN MY BODY WON'T FIGHT THE POSITIVE BLOOD(WHICH RAY IS A POSITIVE)THINKING ITS A VIRUS AND MY BODY WONT BUILD UP ANTIBODIES TO STRIKE AGAINST IT(BUT NOTHING HAPPENED IN THIS PREGNANCY BECAUSE OF THE BLOOD TYPE)I THINK SHE WAS JUST WANTING TO TAKE PRECAUTION..

SO NOW THAT EVERYONE OF YOU THAT HAVE HAD QUESTIONS HERE ARE YOUR ANSWERS..WE WILL KEEP YOU POSTED ON ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THE NEXT COUPLE WEEKS..


MUCH LOVE TO ALL
RAY AND TRACIE